I remember years ago when Jasper and I started our life together and we would see a friend that had a kindergartner, I would think, wow they have a kid THAT old....Well, the time has come for us....My sweet little angel baby Peyton is graduating Preschool tomorrow and to say I am not handling it well would be an understatement. I think Jasper thinks I am just cranky, but in reality I know it is because of this. I know that this is incomparable, but I remember the day I turned 18 and the day I moved out of my parents house like it was yesterday. I remember being so happy and so excited but my mom was NOT! She seemed sad or even mad or hurt maybe. At the time I was so young, naive and selfish that I couldn't quite understand and instead got over it and worried about my own life....Now I get it! My baby is moving on to a new chapter and although I should be happy, I feel a little empty and sad. Let me explain a little better....
The day I gave birth to Peyton was the most amazing, fantastic, terrifying day ever. I was actually just recapping with a great friend the other day about how when she was first born I didn't get that immediate motherly oh my gosh give me my baby feeling. I was a little terrified actually and couldn't believe I was being trusted to raise this baby. I mean I had been a babysitter, a nanny, an aunt but a mom? That was a whole new ballgame. That morning after the doctors did all their checks and bathed her, they brought her to me...I was still nervous, in fact, Jasper changed her first diaper with the help of his brother!:) I was in the shower. Then something happened...We drove home from the hospital, me in the back with our sweet girl, listening to the saddest parent songs. She held my finger the whole way home as we listened to "I loved her first" a song that my dad had just given Jasper on CD as a tribute to me, now passed down to our daughter. I knew at that moment, my life had meaning. She was my life. Little Peyton Renee Warren had made me a mother. The next few months were TOUGH!!! Learning to be a mother, going through post partum sadness (I get VERY sad post partum lol) sleepless nights, a VERY colicky baby while daddy was working, and learning that MY life was no longer MY life, it was HER life! Over the next years, I learned and I grew and I understood what it was like to love someone SO much it hurt.
Flash Forward to ALMOST 5 years (This July 15th) and my little tiny newborn is almost 5 years old and graduating preschool. I am so happy but so sad. Part of my sadness lately is because I just don't feel the same warm fuzzy feeling with Peyton I used to. You know, the come cuddle in my arms feeling....I HATE admitting that because I probably sound like the WORST mom ever, but hey again, this is my feelings and I am sharing them because they are real. I do however feel a new bond with my sweet Peyton...She has become my friend, someone that is more like my partner in crime. The one that I talk to about how the little ones are being so tough that day!;) I love my little girl with all my heart and as I looked through pictures of her last five years earlier I was reminded of that little tiny mischievous little baby girl I first fell in love with, the one that made me not a mom, but a mother! She is the light of my life and my very best friend. Those big brown eyes and curly hair taught me patience, love, faith and unconditional love like nothing else could.
So, here are some pictures of the last five years of life with my baby girl!
Happy graduation Peyton Renee Warren, you light up our lives like I never could have dreamed!!!
I love you baby girl!!!!
I love you to the moon and back again Peyton and you are "My biggest Best friend"!:)))
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