When she opened up her eyes, she was blinded by the lights:
Everything was flashing red and blue.
She heard: "Do you know where you are?" as they pulled her from her car:
She saw the helicopter and she knew, oh, it must be really bad.
And as they lifted off the ground,
The only thing that she could think about,
Was the last thing she said to her husband that morning,
And the look on his face when she slammed the door.
And the way she drove off, without one ounce of regret.
And knowing: "I love you" was not the last thing she said.
She tried to stay awake long enough to see his face,
Wishin' she could take the whole day back.
She kept asking where he is, and "Am I gonna live?"
While the voices in the room faded fast.
Before she drifted off, they tried to calm her down.
But on and on, all she talked about,
Was the last thing she said to her husband that morning,
And the look on his face when she slammed the door.
And the way she drove off, without one ounce of regret.
And knowing: "I love you" was not the last thing she said.
He was waitin' in the hall, starin’ at the wall,
When he finally saw the doctor walk his way.
Oh, he was scared to death, just holding his breath,
Right up until he heard the doctor say: "She’ll be okay,
"And right now she needs her rest, but she wanted me to tell you she’s sorry:
"And ‘I love you’ was the last thing she said."
These are lyrics that I heard in 2005 that stopped me in my tracks. A song that Took me forever to find but that I knew I had to hear again. A song that as I listened to it in my car today and many days before, could bring me back. Back to a day that I would love to erase, but a day that defined me and made me the woman I am today. This is a song by a singer named Ryan Tyler-Most probably do not know her but she is a country singer. This song does not fit exactly BUT the emotions, the scenario, a lot of it takes me back...It's a private situation with somedetails I will not get into...... Now let me take you back......
June through August 2003
Life seemed to be perfect. I had just met a boy (who is now the man I am married to) and the world was in my hands. I was young, I was learning, I was growing, and well I wasn't perfect. From January 2003 to August 16th 2003 life just changed. In January I lost a friend whom ironically died in a car accident, this was the first really traumatic thing I went through and man, it HURT, still does. So much left unsaid. I turned 18, I wanted to be young, have fun and be free. When Jasper and I met, I had kind of become a free spirit! Hard things like losing a friend or loved one can make you not think the same. DO NOT get me wrong I was a tad shy, timid and not so what promiscuous like a lot of my "friends" but I wanted to have my freedom when I turned 18. I moved out into an apartment with my sister a few days after turning 18, thought I was cool because I could have freedom, "be cool and smoke cigarettes" and treat my parents like they were below me" WELL.....All of that changed one hot day in August when I watched my parents go through pure HELL
August 16th 2003
Myself, Jasper, my sister and one other person were having a great day. I was at that point that I cared for Jasper, thought I "loved" him but didn't really know as we had only been together for a month and a half and I did not even know what love was, I had even wondered if I was moving too fast and should enjoy being young and having fun. Well, every idea that I had about life and what "should be", what was, and where life would take me was determined in the blink of an eye. What was an amazing, fun, happy day went to awful in the blink of an eye. I went from singing a Tim Mcgraw song as we drove down a windy, windy road to waking up on the side of a road feeling totally ok, but looking down and seeing my entire stomach torn open, blood gushing from my leg, and a truck smashed to pieces. We were in a single car accident and I am so thankful no other cars were involved. The rest of the time, I was conscious but it all is fuzzy, blurry at best but I wish I didn't remember most of it. Especially the look on my mothers face when I first saw her. See, I come from a close family and since I had tuned 18 I had become a bratty daughter;) you know the way most 18 year olds are. That's why this song brings me back between my parents and finally after 24-48 hours being able to see Jasper, it just sends emotions through me that I can't explain.
Back to the story, after a few minutes I remember hearing sirens and seeing flashing lights, I remember people talking to me, saying "just hold on, you are going to be ok" "we love you" "Stay awake"...so many noises, thinking back, the best i can describe it, is my head was spinning...I was so, so cold, covered in blankets, blood everywhere and so so sleepy. The paramedics ever so carefully put me on the board at this time I could feel nothing and they thought I may be paralyzed. I had flown through the passenger window because I had taken my seat belt off for a brief moment all just to grab a cd case.. I woke up outside of the truck. I had flown out and hit against a "rock wall" I refer to it as...Not sure what to really call it and lets just say it was on 113 in between Lincoln and Newcastle and I have such a fear that I only broke this fear once to drive back through. I have blocked out what it looked like. Basically it was an embankment I'm told. My sister was ejected from the car also so we were both loaded into the ambulance. I was holding my sisters hand as she sobbed and screamed my name telling me to hold on (she ended up with a concussion and back pain, by the grace of God she was left pretty much intact as if God had carried her out, Jasper and my sisters ex-boyfriend were also left unharmed physically.) After a few short minutes in the ambulance, the paramedic agreed with each other that I "was not going to make it, but my best chance was life flight" clearly they didn't know I was listening the whole time. They drove me to a stretch of road that the helicopter could land at, and got me ready to move out of the ambulance. My sister SCREAMED for me, begged for them to not ake me away from her. I was then in the helicopter. I begged the men in the helicopter to please let me sleep and each time they slapped me. I was slipping into shock and they were trying to avoid it. The next thing I knew I was wheeled down a "tunnel" (a dark hallway I was told later) into the ER...My parents and brother made it down to Sutter Roseville Trauma very very quickly, like beat us there quickly. I was yelling and screaming for my mommy, and suddenly saw my parents and my brother. My dad went to be with my sister and my mom and brother were with me. I remember seeing fear, hurt, sadness and so many emotions in my mothers eyes and now that I am a mother I get it...They watched in horror as blood was drained from a catheter and the future was bleak. The next thing I remember is my dad standing over me telling me he was there and not to be scared. I felt funny and looked down to see tape covering my stomach from under my breasts to my pubic bone. A few days later that tape was removed to reveal 300+ staples and awful scaring. I had ruptured my bladder, and fractured my pelvis in 5 places. I was a few hairs away from being paralyzed from the waist down. I had a huge open wound on my right thigh that had around 100 staples(a large scar I carry to this day) and I had multiple areas covered with "road rash and debris" that had to be scrubbed. I spent a week in ICU and refused to let my mom and Jasper leave my side. They took turns holding my hands, helping go to the bathroom(I wasn't allowed to move my legs on my own for a month and the large stomach wounds and staples made it impossible to sit up on my own) I would cry and cry if my mom had to leave so she would wait till Jasper could be there and spend the night. Over the next two months I refused to be in a car except the one time I had a huge infection and had to rush back down t Roseville Trauma to my surgeon, I was in a hospital bed in my parents living room. I had a nurse come daily to "DEEPLY" scrub my wounds (that hurts...a lot)I had a catheter for over 3 weeks because if my bladder had gotten to full it could re-rupture. I was in a wheelchair for 6 weeks but was determined to walk asap, I was also forever changed. I believe in that moment I hung in the balance of life and death, I remember seeing light, light I will never forget. Some can say I was in shock, or it was operating lights or so on, BUT I saw light....A light that since that day I have tried to follow. I believe that it was my one "do over" from God. My chance to start over, to live my life for God, to understand that not only did He let me live, he let me live with my health. I was able to walk again, no long term health affects, I was still here.
Fast forward from that horror story and here I am. It was a LONG year, yes I have awful physical scars that keep me from bikinis, I have painful emotional scars, but I'm here. In the weeks following I morphed from a child to a young adult. I realized just how much I did love Jasper and let me tell you, that was tested. We stood together, we went through it all (a lot of tough times as those closest to us know) and by the end of the next year we were a couple starting life, engaged, planning a wedding and learning as we went. The years following we got married, had 4 sweet children and have a love that I know I can trust. I remember standing beside Jasper saying our vows and knowing that when we said "For better for worse" "For sickness and in health" we meant it. Most thought we married too quick, too young, we were judged to say the least. I ask them though, did their love go through what ours did? Everyday I see my sweet babies I am so thankful for life and I know that God kept me here to be their mommy and my husbands wife. I feel so very unworthy. A lot of times people give me a bad time and tell me "quit doing so much" "Quit trying to be super mom" "don't take on so much"......I ask you, if your life hung on the balance and God decided to keep you here longer, would you waste it? Would you embrace it? Me? I want to do it all ,live it all, give it all, cherish it all, thank God for it all. Near death changes you. It can knock you down, or it can build you up. For me, it took a while, but it built me up. August 16th 2003 changed my life forever. It made me me. It gave me life. It made me a wife. It made me a mother, It made me a better daughter. It made me find God.
Some may wonder why I write about this now. Well, this day gets me every year. It's as if an alarm goes off reminding me it's here. I honestly feared getting in a car crash all day (I feel this way every August 16th) I wrote this for me. For my family, for those who think life is just life. It's not just life it's a GIFT. My kids ask all the time, "mommy, why do you have those marks all over"....Let me tell you, I am more honest with them than I am being with you. They know the full situation even at their young age....I think God wants me to talk about it, use it as a guide for others, make people think....Life is precious, treasure it, love it, enjoy it, embrace it. Cry when need be. Smile when you feel like it. Laugh when you want to cry. LIVE IT!
I remember when Jasper and I lived in our first little rented house here in town years ago...It was pouring down rain and I asked him to go in our large back yard and dance with me. We did...I just wanted to dance in the rain. To feel it, to love it, to just be HERE....I hope my stroy can help one person really live...
NOTE...To my mom, dad, brother, sister, mother in law, father in law, other family and all others that were there for us in that time. Thank you...Thank you for loving us. and Thank you God for saving me with your grace!
